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Monday, April 11, 2016

When God Says No- Loving The Life I Never Wanted


My life is so beautiful... I'm not saying that to brag. I'm simply reminding myself. It's easy to forget sometimes when the laundry piles up and the kids won't listen and the husband travels for work again. Sometimes dinner is cereal in paper bowls for them and a glass of wine and chocolate for me.  The bathrooms get cleaned MAYBE once a month... if someone is coming over... and don't even ask the last time that I washed my hair because I will lie to your face (for the record, it's only been three days. Ahem.) Life doesn't always feel beautiful. I don't always feel beautiful.

But here's what I know: my life is beautiful. And the only reason I have it, is because God was gracious enough to tell me no.

See, this was never the life that I wanted. Can any of you relate to that? My plans were so different. So much "bigger." If you had told sixteen-year-old Chelsea that in fifteen year's time, she'd be married with two kids, a dog, a historic home in a small town, AND she'd be a stay-at-home, homeschool mom, she'd laugh in your face. In fact, she'd probably roll her eyes and insult your shoes too (Sixteen-year-old Chelsea wasn't very tactful). (Also, maybe don't mention that I changed my voter registration to Republican... she'd have an opinion on that for sure...) But here I am.

The plan was simple: move to New York and become a famous Broadway actress. I didn't even like kids, and I certainly had no intentions of marrying a man who  might make me pop them out. I was going to use the gifts that God had given me to make the Broadway stage my ministry... see how I did that? Why do we do that? We take our plans and try to shove what we think God wants to hear into a box and wrap it up so it looks nice and shiny and well-intentioned... I'm good at that.

As you might have surmised, I'm not a famous Broadway actress (although you may have seen me in your local theater's production of "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers" But whatevs). When I think about that life- the one where I was constantly living off of sugar and caffiene and alcohol, having rehearsal until all hours of the evening, then partying into the wee hours of the morning, and working solely for my own glorification, I remember it fondly... it was a fun time in my life... but it is not a life I would want now.

[I feel as though I should stop here and just mention that I don't think there is anything wrong with living the theater life. I have plenty of friends- some of whom are very happily living in New York and working on Broadway- that make it work and do it extremely well. In my situation, the problem was me. I wanted lights and action, but God wanted different things for me. My mission field was elsewhere.]

Praise be to God in his infinite wisdom... I'm such a poor planner and a selfish, unseeing thing. What I had intended to be a life of glory and ease, God has filled with joy and love and holy work for HIS glory. I shudder to think what life I'd be living if God had given  me exactly what I asked for... exactly what I truly deserve...

So here I am. Sitting here in my old house, sipping green tea, working on homeschool curriculum, avoiding dishes, making googly eyes over the two little blonde babies that I never wanted, while my handsome husband is out working hard for us. It's not a perfect life. But it's mine. It's everything I ever wanted... and I didn't even know it.



5 comments:

  1. You're amazing. You're inspiring. Your honesty and humbleness are a breath of fresh air in our world that seems so toxic at times. I remember 16 year old Chelsea. While I played sports, practiced my pitching, had my games... you were there cheering me on, all the while looking like my beautiful pageant best friend. I remember hearing all your plans of moving to New York and becoming famous, and I had no doubts that you could absolutely do it. However, as you so perfectly stated, God knew better. The most beautiful of all is that you had the open heart and mind to listen to Him. You are so richly blessed and such a role model for your babies. I know how thankful I am to have you in my life and I thank God for you. Thank you for sharing your life with all of us. It makes us feel less crazy on the days we feel as though we're the only Mom/Dad who aren't the perfect person for the role we've been given.
    Love you, Best Friend.

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    1. Misty!! You make me cry! You're the sweetest friend. Thank you for loving me! <3

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  2. A very beautiful realisation Chelsea, lovingly articulated.

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  3. This is what I needed to hear today when I was just basically saying yesterday that this is not the life I ordered. Thank you for your words.

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  4. This is what I needed to hear today when I was just basically saying yesterday that this is not the life I ordered. Thank you for your words.

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